New Zealand v South Africa, Test Cricket, WAAAAHHHHH

You know you're not in too good a spot when you're sitting up 'till all hours of the morning with the sole hope and will that your team doesn't become the lowest scoring first inning total in a test at any given cricket ground, and that they manage to scrape past the 84 runs scored by South Africa against England in 1889.

I'm pretty sure I'm the only person in New Zealand still watching this test.  I'm well aware that something like 5 million South Africans now live on the North Shore of Auckland, but I'm pretty sure even they're preferring to sleep rather than watching this sporting theatrical performance of "Steamroller v Roadkill".  That's right, the NZ performance more closely resembles the possum facing up to the steamroller AFTER the two moons have done their job.

I'm a tolerant sort of dude.  You won't see me writing knee jerk "sack the lot of 'em" type posts.  I make sure my knee is well and truly analysed, x-ray'd, electromagnetically imaged, massaged and elevated on the back of some student looking for holiday spending money before I make my "sack the lot of 'em" posts.

But, by God, it's been a tough tour to watch.

I struggle to get too upset about results in the short forms of the game - I tend to be in the camp that only test results have any real long term credibility (outside of World Cup events).  Which is a bugger really, when NZ are being left behind in the test game.  It was only 12 months ago I remember getting sucked in to the notion that the New Zealand Men's Cricket Team were on the verge of a golden age.   I got close to that most fatal of afflications, belief.  We'd beaten Australia in a test in Hobart on the back of a young fast bowling attack.  We had a number of strong, developing batsmen who looked like they would form the vanguard of a side that could and would be competitive.  We had a team.  What in the name of all that are far too high GI foods happened?

Well, we've gotten past 84 (for 9 wickets), so that's, literally,  the very least.

Okay.  Facts are we're playing the number one Test side in the world.  At their home.  They have guys who average more than 50.  When they BAT.  And they have LOTS OF THEM.

They have fast bowlers that can bowl. Fast.  Part time spinners that can actually turn the ball.  They're damn near cheating.

We've gone through a change in management structure.  Our coach changed (replacing one who had a pretty decent pedigree coaching one of the great batting sides in history) and his coaching/management team with it.  We managed to pick up a test win away - something to be celebrated, but all that marred by what appears to be a botched implementation of the new coaches philosophy through appointing Brendon "Tats on your guns rock" McCullum as the captain.

As much as it hurts, I suspect the best approach has to be suck it up kiwi cricket fans, and let the NZ cricket board and coaching structures get their house in order.  Give them a free pass for the nightmare they've dished up in the last couple of months.  Let them learn.

The test side will be a different beast when you re-introduce Ross Taylors 43.57 batting average - his contribution will help lift those around him.  Bring Tim Southee and his newly bionic thumb (they've made it iPod compatible) into the attack in place of Neil Wagner / Nargle Gagner.  We'll still put up mixed results, but mixed results will be an improvement when balanced against the consistent results of this current tour.  I'm almost completely certain Dean Brownlie is not going to save our test team on anything like a regular basis.  And if anyone could learn to actually turn a ball when bowling at less than 100km/hr, please apply in writing to John.Buchanan@nzcricket.co.nz.

There is hope.  And to be honest, that's about all there is.